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Jul 222014
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Too many people are asleep in a trance and the worst part is that they don’t know it. There are four instances when our fears or habits send us in a trance:

  1. Fear to see or know the truth
  2. Avoidance of pain
  3. Resistance to change and need to be in control
  4. Resistance to go deeper, to go beneath ordinary reality into the soul, emotions and spiritual realms of being

Let’s take a look at each one, and let’s switch genders in the examples, because Sleeping Beauty Syndrome is not just a woman’s issue. It can also put a man in a trance.

Fear to see or know the truth

She wanted a boyfriend. She had been without a boyfriend for too long. So she made up her mind to have a boyfriend. So far, so good. Intention and focus are good tools to manifest. Right? Wrong!

She needed to qualify that boyfriend she desired so that it would be someone in harmony with the quality of her Essence and her life. And if those qualities did not show up, she then needed to do the work in herself that kept that qualified boyfriend away.

Unfortunately, women often are so worried that someone loves them, that THEY choose HER, that they do not realize they, too are the chooser. And, again unfortunately, only a small percentage of people are willing to work on themselves in order to change their circumstances. Everyone else, wants the change to happen outside.

So instead of seeking these qualities that were important to her, she settled on what was available to her, whoever chose her.

Because she now had an investment in sticking out with this boyfriend who had chosen her, she began to NOT see that he was not a good fit for her.

  • She did NOT see how he did not get along with her friends.
  • She did NOT see how he bullied her.
  • She did NOT see how he was isolated and pretty dysfunctional because he resisted new people, environments or change.

One of the terrible things about the Sleeping Beauty Trance is that it pulls you deeper into it. The more time you spend on it, the harder it is to get out of it.

NOT seeing this enabled her to marry him.  But this marriage did not end in the classic “happily ever after.”

Slowly she fell deeper under the Sleeping Beauty trance, becoming isolated from friends and family,  falling more and more under his bullying tricks, until she stopped going for her dreams, abandoned her purpose and choices that had been important to her and became a shadow of herself.

Avoidance of pain

She wanted to lose weight and become healthier. She had been gaining weight steadily since her divorce and had tried many exercise routines, but all failed. There was this stubborn armor of fat that had accumulated in her stomach. It was hard to melt and stole her curves and femininity.

She decided to try a life coach because nothing else worked. As they were exploring the issue, it became evident that this fat deposit had developed just after her divorce. It also became evident that the fact that it stole her curves (sensuality) was not an accident. The coach asked her to consider if this was not, indeed the purpose of this fat.

She saw it all in a second, a flash second of recognition. But then she fought it tooth and nail. She did not want to go there. She told the coach as much, and the coach told her to call her when she was ready to face the truth instead of avoiding the pain.

That was the end of her attempt to get rid of the fat deposit. She not only gain more weight in the area, but it hardened ever so more and she began to eat poorly and avoid exercise. She did not want to feel that pain again.


Resistance to change and need to be in control

He wanted love. It was the most important thing in his life.

But he had created a story since very early on in his life that he was not worthy, not handsome, not in any way a man that a woman would like. In his story, the only thing he got going for himself was his intelligence. He developed a defensive mechanism of using information and knowledge as the way to be in control of relationships, to start conversations, to show his intelligence… and cover up his massive insecurity and almost non-existing self-esteem.

Because his self-esteem was so poor, his defense was massive. It felt to him as the way to avoid being a total wimp.

The problem was that this mechanism worked with men, but not with women. Men would start discussing the theories or information and would settled there. Women couldn’t care less. They seem to want something else.

A good woman friend told him what was happening. Women were not interested just in information and know-how. They wanted to know his feelings, his truth. They wanted him to share his experience, not the theories he spout out. That actually turned them off!

But he was so vulnerable with women, that he refused to change his story or his tactics…. and stayed alone and loveless.


Resistance to go deeper, to go beneath ordinary reality into the soul, emotions and spiritual realms of being

This one is similar to the previous one in that there is a need to be in control. It’s not a coincidence that the example is a male. Control issues as the result of unhealed emotional wounds is the number one issue I’ve seen in men who fall into the Sleeping Beauty Trance.

The need to be in control is present in all of us. But women’s emotional intelligence and relational comfort allows them to get off the control trance and share their feelings. Men are often not able to do this.

So here he was, knowing that something was really wrong in his relationship. His wife had been slowly drifting away. But after years of this, she had now given him an ultimatum.

His family was everything to him. He did not want to lose them.

What he refused to see was that he had already being losing them for years. In fact, he had refused to do anything to avoid this loss because he had insisted in being in control and resisted honoring their feelings, their emotional needs and their soul’s hunger.

How could he? He seldom listened to his own heart. He lived up in his head, in this little world he had created. In this little world, he was the king of his family. In this little world, he was a brilliant man who knew about the world: politics, news, culture, he knew what was going on. In truth, he was clueless of what was going on right under this nose.

Because he lacked the courage to hear the heart –his own as well as the heart of others around him, he had turned his family into his security blanket, using them as part of his Sleeping Beauty Trance.

The only way to do this was to see them as he wanted them to be and  ignoring them as human beings. As a result, he had disengaged from their needs and desires. How could he satisfied these needs?

So naturally, his family drifted away. His twin girls grew up without a father, though he was right there. His wife retreated into her career and motherhood and what little free time she had, she spent at her mother’s or volunteered somewhere; anywhere, in order not to be home with him.

This went on for many years. The girls were grown up when the wife finally exploded.

Now that he was under threat of losing his family, he decided he needed to do something.

Did he go to therapy? Did he find spiritual help to dive into his own truth and understand his role in the situation?

No. He decided to read some more books on the subjects his wife was passionate about. If he had more knowledge about the topics she loved –he reasoned– then he could talk more with her and she would be happy.

And he stayed “happily” in his Sleeping Beauty Trance, until the day the twins went off to college. That was the day his wife asked for a divorce.


Do you see the common thread of the Sleeping Beauty Trance in all these stories? Not seeing the truth in yourself and your relationships and hiding in a mirage you create may feel safe, but it is just a safety illusion. Sooner or later it will explode on your face.


If any of this resonates, seek help. Here are four tips and an affirmation for you.


  1. Let go of control and seek expert help. It can be a therapist or counselor, a priest, rabbi or reverend, a healer, life coach or shaman.
  2. Find someone who makes you smile and terrifies you at the same time. That’s the one for you.
  3. Be willing to listen to what the expert say and give it a try.Stick with it, no matter how scare you are and how much you want to resist. Fear and resistance are your allies. They are showing you the places that need healing.
  4. If you don’t like the way life is going, you need to change the story you have created that is taking life in the direction you do not like. You need to change that old, limiting story that has swallowed you into the trance of Sleeping Beauty.
  5. You need to create a new story, the story of you listening and honoring your heart and your Personal Truth. The story of your compassionate heart in vulnerable relationship to the world and others as a continued life lesson for growth and unfolding.
  6. Understand that you do not need to be perfect or have control in order to be loved. You do need to open your heart, share your truth and to listen, accept and honor the truth of others.


Change your fear of vulnerability by using this affirmation:



Rewrite your Fairy Tales for Success: Unleash your Greatness is a book I wrote to deal with five common trances resulting from mother-daughter wounds. Read more here.


Personal Guidance. If you are ready to deep dive into your soul, break free from old stories and courageously stand in your Personal Truth as you create the story of your brilliance illuminating the world, click to my store to find ceremonies, consultations or programs where I can help you.


Do you have a burning question? Get monthly access to my Book of Answers and get in-depth answers that are spiritual solutions to your practical problems. Click here to find out more and register.

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About Maria Mar

Maria Mar is a Sacred Storyteller and shaman who champions you to change your old limiting story to create the new story of your brilliance illuminating the world. She helps you awaken your magic, express your creative genius, embody your purpose and live your potential now.

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