In this article I explore the consequences of not being received by our loved ones at an early age. Not being received in who we truly are, our Unique Essence, our gifts and talents, our passions and purpose. The consequence, in a nutshell, is the prohibition to BE.
To be a mother or a parent is a position of leadership. Yet our society does not train us to recognize this power, and therefore this responsibility. It does not give us the skills we need to assume this leadership role. Not only that, but we enter parenthood with a dark baggage of wounds, learned limitations, fears and frustration; a baggage I call the Shadow Bundle or the Shadow Inheritance.
To be a mother or parent is a master artist position. Yet, most of us enter this position after being evicted from our own personal freedom and creative power. We enter it with a social script that is limited and limiting. The child born to us is not a blank canvas. She comes with a purpose and a set of gifts to achieve this purpose. She comes with a Sacred Design. But having betrayed our own design, we are often unable to see, much less honor God’s plans for that child.
We get in God’s way.
The Breaking of the Soul
We are unable to RECEIVE the Unique Essence and purpose of this child. We try to squelch her creative fire and the flame of freedom within her. It’s not that we are bad persons, and we really love the child. But we have learned to see her freedom as defiance to us instead of an act of loyalty to herself. Having being tamed, our own freedom broken by the Domestication Trance, we now proceed to domesticate our child into obedience.
My mother thought that being a good daughter was being obedient. But by the age of 11 I had learned that being obedient to her would have killed my soul. I would have had to become her personal servant and forsake my creativity, free choice and self-direction. I had seen her doing it, and had seen the price of her betraying her own creativity. I had seen what it had done to her and to our family. A part of me had remained awaken and free, and this Wise Self showed me the distortion in the weave of my mother’s life and how I needed to protect the weave of my own Selfhood. Following this intuition and higher guidance, I refused to fit the role she had assigned me. I did not know it consciously at the time, but I entered the path of the seeker. I sought to achieve Personal Freedom.
In her ground-breaking book “For your Own Good” Alice Miller talks about this.and labels this parental behavior as Poisonous Pedagogy. Here’s what Isa Helfield said about Poisonous Pedagogy in the 2001 International Conference on Women and Literacy .
The pedagogy practiced by parents and teachers was poisonous because it called for the destruction of a child’s will and the murder of his soul. Obedience to authority was believed to be of prime importance, the basis of all education, so that willfulness and wickedness were to be eliminated in a child’s very first year of life. Love of order was to be instilled by the age of two. The suppression of the child’s emotion, of the child’s vitality, of his desire to know, was considered necessary pedagogical practice. Since it was believed that the things that happen to a child at an early age would never be remembered, parents and teachers did not realize there would be serious consequences to such practices.”
The Generation Gap
Once I refused the obedient daughter role, I was evicted from paradise ~for family and home are the paradise we must all have to feel loved and protected.
In my mother’s eyes and later in the eyes of my family, I went from being a good girl, a good daughter (an obedient one) to being a bad daughter, a bad girl (a self-directed person). This happened practically overnight. Sounds familiar?
We have recognized the painful tear that happens in adolescence between most parents and their children. But we label it the “generation gap” and see it as a stage that the child will outgrow. Much like Freud labeled the sexual abuse of children as a complex, a developmental fantasy; we label the moment in which the growing child refuses the Domestication Trance as a ‘stage” in order to invalidate the child’s perception and hide the truth from ourselves.
But the truth, like foam, always seeks the surface.
The tragedy of our Shadow Inheritance and the labels we create to cover it up is that we inflict a profound damage in the very children that were born to be leaders and innovators. We refuse to RECEIVE their gifts, which is equivalent to refusing to receive them.
First, we do not see or listen to God’s design as expressed by the child’s dreams, talents and passions. By not RECEIVING these gifts, we are unable to do the job of a parent; to assist the child in developing and polishing her Unique Essence and gifts so that she is able to share them with the world. That is the purpose of her life, but we not only ignore it. We often sabotage it.
“You are a better writer than actress,” my mother said when I invited her to my very first theatre performances, not remembering that before she had also thrown doubts upon my writing. I could see her envy. She had wanted to be an actress but her parents did not allow this. Now, when she could have supported me, she passed on the wound to the next generation. Instead of being proud of the fact that her daughter had been chosen to star in two of the five plays being shown and that she was doing a period piece and a piece of the absurd, two diametrically different genres, one after the other ~a fact that spoke to my talent and versatility~ she proceeded to “cut me down to size.”
I became a rebel and soon after left my family. But the wound did not leave me. For many, many years, I did not truly believe in my talent. I fought tooth and nail to defend my creativity, for I intuitively knew that it was the organic nature of my soul. But at the same time, I carried inside me my parents’ doubts and derision about my talents.
I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen, heard, understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and touch another person. When this is done, I feel contact has been made.” –Virginia Satir
The Core Wound
When I finally hit the Core Wound of this Shadow Inheritance, what my Inner Child bemoaned was that she had not been RECEIVED.
I was a mature adult and had been in an in-depth healing journey for years when I was able to finally touch this terribly painful wound. I was starting my business, a business created to share my gifts with the world. But I was not selling. No matter what I did, how many courses I took, how hard I tried, I did not sell.
I knew that the source of the problem was within; but it had so many layers that I could not touch the Core Wound. When I did, I spent a whole day howling in pain. The pain was excruciating. It clutched my stomach, stabbed my heart and strangled my neck.
- The Solar Plexus Chakra is linked to will power, clarity, money, freedom and manifestation.
- The Heart Chakra is linked to self-love, joy, the alchemy of transformation, freedom and manifestation.
- The Throat Chakra is linked to self-expression, a sense of professional capacity and value, sharing your gifts with the world and speaking your truth, as well as freedom and manifestation.
The limiting beliefs and buried emotions of our childhood become embedded patterns in our body and Human Energy Field. They are the electro-magnetic wall that keeps us from moving towards our dreams. They are the constrictive spiral that swallows us into a state of fear and keeps us stuck. The essential rejection of our true self becomes a devolution force that pulls us away from our happiness, success, potential and evolution.
No matter how much you want to manifest your dream, if you do not release these patterns, you will not succeed in weaving yourself into your dream. You cannot mend a weaving if you refuse to unravel the knots.
No matter how much you want to make your children’s life different, you will pass the wound on and leave the next generation with the task of unraveling the mess. You can’t preach or talk your way out of this. You must heal yourself.
What is your Core Wound? How have you not been received? How is this manifesting in your life right now in limitations and obstacles?
The answers to these questions are hidden at the bottom of your Core Wound. This wound is buried in layers of blindness, social scripts, prohibitions and labels. How can you find the truth?
Find it in your body and begin to unravel the embedded patterns coiling in your energy, emotions and learned expectations. When you pull this thread, you unravel the truth and clear the knot that keeps your wings tied down.
You were born to fly free.
|“I created this home study course for the way you learn and change as a spiritual, creative woman. It combines right-brain process (storytelling, art projects) with left-brain process (workbook, exercises) to help you RECEIVE yourself and release the limitations that keep you from your dreams and freedom.” Maria Mar|
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