Throwing light on the shadow face of victimhood

We often believe that in order for a person to play the role of victim, this person must be powerless,  have a low self-esteem or must be the innocent victim of others. These interpretations lead us to either side with the underdog blindly, believe that we  or someone else is not trapped in the victim stance because we (or they) are strong, or even to judge powerful persons who are making a stand for their rights and choices as “bad.” I want to burst these three common myths  in this Monday Meditation.

The degree to which you try to control others reveals the degree to which you fear others will control you. Excessive control is the response of a fragile ego full of fear.”

Myth #1: A person in the role of victim is a powerless person

A person who is trapped in the victim role may be influential, powerful, educated and even tough. We all have places of power and places where we are overshadowed with a degree of helplessness, whether learned or adopted.

Example:

Bad for doing Good

A national leader is  highly capable and empowered; while she falls into a victim role when confronted by a judgmental family elder who makes her feel guilty and selfish for prioritizing her life purpose instead of playing the “good daughter or wife.” As a result, she may try to fit the elder’s expectation, suffer a terrible emotional and values war or feel bad every time that her duties do not allow her to please her family’s expectations.

Is she playing the role of victim? Yes, though she may not even be aware of this because of her conscious empowerment. But every time she defines what is good based on others’ expectations instead of her own values; each time she is allowed to be made guilty and allows herself to suffer heavy stress with Inner Wars, there is a part of her that has not grown into her power in relation to her family elders and their expectation. In that arena, she is still a helpless child or is torn between that child and the self-referenced adult.

Myth #2: A person in the role of victim has low self-esteem

A person who is trapped in the victim role in one or another aspect of her life, may be a confident, effective and successful person in many or all other areas of her life. Yet, in this particular area she is not assuming her authority or power because of inherited wounds, limited beliefs or crippling emotions.

Example:

The Successful Looser

A woman is successful in her profession. She has achieved great honors and accomplished lofty goals. She is satisfied with her achievements and feels confident in her expertise, success and authority. But in her love life, she is constantly feeling ugly, old and defective. Her family sees her as a failure because she does not have children. Her husband, insecure because she earns more, gains false confidence by constantly joking about her weight, that she is getting old and making her feel undesirable. Because she grew up in a family whose value for women is based on appearance and gender roles, this successful woman allows herself to feel inadequate in this aspect of her life.

Myth #3: A person in the role of victim is  the innocent victim of others

One of the most surprising aspects of working with abusers and bullies is the discovery that they feel justified in doing what they do because, in their perception, they are only defending themselves from the other person’s (the victim of their abuse) attacks.

This comes in four flavors:

1. The double-identity. The person who was victimized at a time and internalizes the abuser may then become an abuser, yet in his or her perception, she is still trying to fight against the abuse perpetrated to them.
   
   
2. The Time Bubble. It may be that they are trapped in a time bubble where they still fell like the helpless child and anything that triggers fear ~whether warranted or not~ triggers that helpless child persona; to which the adult in them responds reactively by “defending” the child with the only learn tools ~the abuser’s arsenal.
   
   
3. The Hostile World. It may be that their abused childhood let them to see the world as hostile and anyone who defers from them as an enemy; in which case they respond with the “defensive” strategies they learned from the abusers.
   
   
4. The con artist. But it may also be that they are the abuser and are manipulating others by playing the victim.

Don’t be fooled by appearances.

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Whether they believe it or not, abusers and bullies may paint themselves as the “good guys” and “victims” and show the anger, loud voice or actions of the other person as proof that they are “the bad ones” and the “oppressors.”

You do well, however, to find out what happened to upset the other person. You may found out, to your surprise, that the so-called-victim is refusing to pay her debt, is using gossip to damage the other’s reputation or has seriously injured the other.

Many so-called victims are covert bullies that used passive-aggressive methods or righteous scripts to appear the victims and make their true victims into the monsters.

Example:

The Blackmailer Disguised as Wronged Employee

An employee agreed to certain terms which, in her heart, she did not find advantageous; but she would not or could not say so. She then ingratiates herself with the boss, doing personal errands for her in order to find out her dirt.  Once she knows her personal dirt, she begins to use gossiping to turn people against her boss, create chaos in the company and make herself the central wheel. When she is found out, she cries oppression and paints herself as the underdog, the “poor” employee doubly wronged by her boss; first with an unfair contract and then with dismissal or whatever consequence comes to her from her own devious actions.

So how to know the truth? And how to help yourself and others to release the role of victim without falling under lies, illusions or games?

Here are three things that can help you with this task:

1. Do not assume that powerful people are not victims of others or that people who paint themselves as victims of others are indeed so. Do your research. Know the history and listen to all sides.

2. Learn to recognize passive-aggressive strategies as bullying and to detect their use. Gossip, blaming and judgment are three common strategies that allow bullies to pass as victims.

3. Treat yourself and others with respect, honoring their self-authority at all times, whether they seem in the “right” or the “wrong.” Whether the person is responding as helpless or is assuming her power; if you respect her power to determine her own choices WHILE respecting others’ you are helping yourself or them to move away from the role of victim.

When a person takes responsibility and makes a stand for her right to determine her choices and act according to her truth, she is  neither a bully nor victim. If however, the person is wanting to control others, to judge and “make” them change, that’s a warning signal that they are bullying the other, whether they qualify as victims in some aspect of the situation or not.

Family Disputes

These guidelines are specially useful when the good-bad, victim-abuser scripts played out are within the family during holidays or family gatherings.

Respecting the self-authority to do what a person feels in her heart is best is a sign of emotional, democratic and spiritual maturity, regardless of age.

In the same way, controlling, cajoling, shaming, blaming, judging or trying to control others into doing what you think they should be doing is bullying regardless of your age and position within the family.

Instead of falling into the scripts of either side, stay detached and strive to honor what each person defines as good for herself in her life.

And that includes your own decisions. Don’t let anyone intimidate you into pleasing them. You know what’s best for yourself and you have the right to live in that way.

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